I am currently sitting at the airport on a snowy day waiting to board a flight. For the next few days I will be anxiously engaging! I am traveling to the annual physical therapy conference. Historically, I don’t travel well. My anxiety spikes with traveling. My thoughts run rampant on everything that can go wrong and this becomes overwhelming. However, this time, I feel different. I am still anxious. I still feel the need to plan every aspect to feel like I have control over the situation but there is an accepting calmness . I know my triggers and I know what calms me down. I am also so unbelievably proud of myself that I am in a place where I am working toward a PhD, traveling to a national conference to support my education and future opportunities through networking, and not letting anxiety win!
I figured this would be a perfect time to continue part 2 of my post on Poverty and Perspective. I planned on posting this several weeks ago but I had a much harder time with processing my feelings with the first post than I anticipated. I knew it would be hard to share, but it was a little harder than I expected. This is a perfect example of how you never know, when things you thought you had managed and come to terms with, like to jump out and cause problems.
Poverty and Perspective: Part 2
Imagine being a pre-teen who has become very aware that your family is very different than others. Imagine being at an age where new feelings of shame, embarrassment, and anxiety are evolving. At this age, these feelings can grow into normal, healthy feelings we learn to manage with guidance from the adults around us, or these feelings can grow into something unhealthy that have negative impacts into adulthood. I unfortunately started to experience the latter and I can trace it back to the experiences of childhood poverty.
During times when we struggled the most, my father would stand at the side of the road holding a sign asking for donations to feed his wife and three children. This would happen right near our house and all our friends and neighbors would be witness to our struggles. I would beg Pappy not to hold the sign because I was so embarrassed and ashamed. I would get so angry. I would get made fun of. I would have moments where I thought I hated Pappy for doing this. At that time, I couldn’t see or understand how my father would set aside his pride and do everything in his power to obtain food for his children.
It has taken me years to feel somewhat comfortable discussing this topic. As time goes on, I feel like I see more people at intersections and shopping plazas doing similar things. It always makes me think of Pappy and our situation. When I am with other people and drive past a person asking for help, I believe most other people do not believe a person pan handling on the side of the road really needs help. This may be true? I guess there is no way to really know. I only know we shouldn’t judge and assume we know a person’s situation. I am an example of someone who benefited from the kindness and generosity of people who decided to help instead of assume.
I have a very vivid memory of a time when Pappy was trying to get food for our home when I was around 13 years old. At this time, my mother was in and out of my life and had currently been absent for a few months (I will touch on this is future posts). I was already having a difficult time managing my feelings due to this. I was already angry, I was sad, I thought it was my fault my mother didn’t want to be home. A friend had invited me to hang out at her house. We were driving back from the store with her dad and had to drive past my house on the way to her house. As we were driving past, there was Pappy standing at the side of the road with the sign reading:
“Will work for food: 3 kids at home, please help”
I immediately started to panic..
I started to shake..
I began sweating..
My heart was racing..
My ears were buzzing..
My face was on fire..
I wanted to jump out of the car and rip up the sign and scream at my dad..
My friend immediately asked what my dad was doing. I played dumb and said I didn’t know. I prayed she would leave it at that, but she asked more questions. I didn’t know what to say. Thankfully, her dad stepped in and requested she stop asking questions and changed the subject. I was so relieved he redirected the conversation.
This experience was the first time I believe I experienced true panic from intense anxiety. As a 13-year-old, you don’t know what is happening or how to manage these feelings. I didn’t know it then, but the birth of debilitating anxiety was happening in real time.
It has taken me a long time to understand the connection of how I grew up and my personality traits. However, I have found power over my anxiety, and I have found how to grow into a stronger individual by sitting with my anxiety, understanding it, accepting it, listening to it, and then moving forward with the goal of trying to be better the next time.
If you suffer from anxiety, I understand how it can seep into every corner of your life and have such a strong control over you. It can feel hopeless at times and like it will never get better. However, from my personal experience, you must accept your anxiety, allow it to happen so you can understand it, but learn to balance it so it doesn’t control every aspect of your life. Once you have accepted you suffer from anxiety, you can start to slowly push yourself out of your comfort zone and learn from it. You must choose to actively participate in things that increase your anxiety so you can continually learn from it, sit with it, challenge it. Understand your triggers. Tell those around you when you feel anxious so they know you might need support to get through an event or activity that is pushing you out of your comfort zone. Know your limits and when you need to back off or create a safe space.
This is what I call anxiously engaging.
I am choosing to anxiously engage. I may not be perfect at it, I may stumble at times, but I choose to continue forward and be better the next time.
Thanks for reading and being a part of my journey.
Remember to give yourself grace and be kind to yourself.
Please leave a comment and share your own experiences! What have you found works to help your anxiety?